Being a mother is fraught with perils. Whether it's long, sleepless nights, never being "done" with anything or the fits of insanity that pop up, motherhood is not for the weak. Never mind that whole pregnancy and labor part, I am talking about the life that begins when that little bundle of joy is born. It's yours and it can't be returned...even if you try really hard.
I have survived...yes, survived...over 11 years of motherhood so far. I am a relative newbie to the field. However, I have two exceptional children. Am I saying that, like so many mothers, I believe my children to be better, smarter or more athletic than other children? Heck no! I am saying that they possess the exceptional ability to drive me to the point of total love and total madness within a range of about a minute. That is skill! I don't think all children possess this skill set at this level. Therefore, my children are in a league of their own and I am most often thinking of running away. I don't run away, or haven't yet, so I think I am a superhero mom. I know this is delusional but it gets me through the day. I am also considering superhero mom costume options. Got suggestions? Just shout those out.
This week, in an attempt to give my kids a good last week before school, I have planned fun outings. We've been to the movies (check out that great review of Captain America!), the pool, and, yesterday, a theme park! Remember when I said that motherhood came with fits of insanity? Well, read on.
My best friend and I decided to take five children ages eleven and under to a theme park. We hoped it would be less crowded now that summer is winding down. (I know, it is 100 degrees outside but schools are about to start back so that is the part of summer I am talking about.) We knew it would be hot. We totally believed we could conquer this theme park and win. Yep, a fit of insanity!
To start, let's meet the children, shall we? (Please note the names have been changed to protect the children from weirdos who stalk the internet looking for things about children and have sick motives for doing so. I sincerely hope all you weirdos are hunted down by the proper authorities or people like that father on the movie Taken and killed.) OK...the kids...we have have Rapunzel (age 5), K-Bug (age 8), Toe Head (age 11), Texas Ranger (age 6) and Walker (age 11). Now, let's meet the mothers! I shall keep the names the same on these because Teresa scares me and I think she would handily kill any of you weirdos I mentioned earlier (fear her...I ain't kidding!) and Beth. That last one is me and I have a gun and I don't mind to shoot said weirdos. In fact, I need some target practice. Now that we have met the players, let's talk about the day we decided to tackle a theme park. WARNING - The following contains discussions of body fluids, fighting, judgemental observations, see through clothing and lots of yelling. Reader discretion is advised.
So, there we were, happily on our way to a theme park. That's a happy time. Right? It sure was! We showed up, totally ignored where the theme park parking attendant told us to go and found a place closer to the front. I don't think that the parking attendant was pleased but we just pretended not to notice his wild waving of arms in the direction he wanted us to go! Ha HA! We already beat part of the system! So, with a parking spot within easy walking distance to the entrance, we all hope out of the van ready to go. Well, Texas Ranger really did need to GO! So, his wonderful mother, that would be me, looked all around and let him pee between two cars. I did encourage him NOT to hit the other cars with pee and figured it would evaporate before the car owners returned and had to step in it so, success! Yep, mother of the year material! With that bit of business taken care of, we walked up to the park entrance just to witness what seemed like thousands of youth group members entering the park. Tons of blue shirts with Biblical messages and then green shirts and grey ones and on and on! They were everywhere! Worse yet, they were all heading for those rides we wanted to get on! (We later were told there were 2,000 youth group members at the park. Do we know how to pick a day to visit or what?!)
At this point, it was about 10 a.m. and already about 90 degrees regular temperature. Theme park temp, around 105. Undaunted, (OK...that is a lie, I was already daunted but I was committed so on with the show!) we started to the first ride and made it on pretty fast. Not so bad! The second ride line was LONG and clogged with all those youth. Never fear, we just moved to the next ride. That is where Teresa and I discovered an embarrassing fact. My shirt, not a white shirt mind you, was see through when wet! We discovered this after we got off a ride where we got really wet. Yep, this is SO my luck. I worried about it for about 23 seconds and then the oppressive heat kicked back in and I decided it would dry fast enough. Besides, it was a theme park and there were people intentionally wearing things that were more suggestive than my transparent t-shirt where you could see that I had actually chosen to wear a bra...unlike some women.
Shortly after I became a walking billboard for Victoria's Secret bras, my children decided they were starving! Not hungry, not "I need a little snack to hold me over", but STARVING! Whining began and, I've going to have to say, my kids excel at this too. So, my nerves are frazzled, you can see through my shirt, I need to find food quickly and it isn't even noon! First food establishment has about 200 of those youth folks I mentioned earlier. We made an alternate plan and raced to another lesser known eating place. Success! I grabbed some food and a table even opened up while I was in line. Being the great mother that I am, I yelled to Walker, "GO GRAB THAT TABLE" and he jumped across a fence to get it! Another skill those kids have, getting what they want! This time it worked for me...usually it is against me!
I had hope. We were sitting down. We were in the shade. There was food and drinks. There was no whining. Life was great! Then we had to get up. BUT, we were all in a better mood so there were some smiles and laughs and we looked like a happy theme park crew. We even hit the next ride and got on relatively quickly even though those groups of youth seemed to be following us. The ride was eventful in that, when we were queued up to ride next, someone on the ride had a cell phone slip out of a pocket and we got to see that sucker totally destroyed! It hit a building twice and then smashed into the pavement breaking into at least three pieces. The kids loved it! Sometimes, it takes so little to make them happy!
All this time, it was getting hotter and hotter. Let me just say, I think that black asphalt was almost as its melting point and I was WAY past mine! BUT, on a good note, my shirt had dried so I wasn't flashing the other park goers.
Time for more coasters and I sat out with Rapunzel and Texas Ranger. We found a spot of shade and stood and stood and stood. We even got to stand there while a questionably dressed family arrived and the conversation between them went down something like this..."WOMAN: You been gone a helluva long time! MAN: Well, that ride line was hell! WOMAN: Well, it is hotter than hell out here!" Good times. Thankfully, they moved on and I spotted a shady bench! What luck?! Too bad Texas Ranger needed to pee again about a minute after we sat down. Off to the closest restroom with Rapunzel in a stroller and Texas Ranger walking funny because he NEVER tells me he needs to pee until the LAST minute! I also should mention that Rapunzel's stroller's wheels would not roll correctly until the driver (me at this time) pushed and shoved it to the point of almost dumping its occupant! I cursed that stroller throughout the day when I had to drive it but it was better than having our youngest member hot, tired, and walking. Concessions must be made in dire times.
So, off we raced to the restroom. I sent Texas Ranger into the men's room which I hate doing in case those perverts that stalk kids online are in the restroom but I had no other choice since he would not join me and Rapunzel in the women's restroom. He runs off and I push, yank and tug that stroller towards the women's restroom. When I arrive at the entrance, three girls wearing those youth t-shirts are admiring themselves in front of the mirror that happens to be in front of the door to the restroom. I get this. I like to look at myself too from time to time. However, if someone comes up, I would move. These girls were firmly planted and weren't moving. So, I did what every mother with a stroller would do, I plowed ahead and sorta played chicken with them. They either had to move or get hit. They moved but just barely enough for me to get to the door. I had to get in front of the stroller and try to open the door and then drag kid and stroller in. Did those girls offer once to help me by holding the door that was in easy reach of the three of them? NOPE! Girls...your t-shirts talk about how you want to tell others about Jesus. Helping people tells others about Jesus. Just saying! (I'm not even going to talk about all those youth kids I saw that were using the Lord's name in vain over and over while wearing those shirts.) Anyway, I entered the restroom while yelling in Rapunzel's direction...I say "in her direction" because she wasn't really listening to me...about how if you are going to wear t-shirt like that they you should help people out and not just stand and watch someone struggle! I now wonder if no one exited the stalls because they were worried about the crazy lady that had entered the restroom yelling! Oh well, restroom crisis averted, and the ride had been a success for the other part of the group!
We worked our way around with tempers flaring as the temperature soared and the lines grew longer. All in all, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Now, I may be writing that because I am sitting in an air conditioned house at the moment and have blocked, a great skill of mine, the bad memories! As it grew late, we decided that I would take the younger two kids on a "kiddie ride" and Teresa would take the older four and try to get on the coaster we had to pass up earlier due to the long line. The plan was to meet at the entrance to the theme park. Ever notice how plans sometimes fall apart? Yep, this one totally blew up on us. With only one cell phone, we couldn't call each other and we apparently missed one another during, you guessed it, another restroom break for Texas Ranger! Hey, at least he was well hydrated! After about an hour, we finally reconnected and we all looked rough. We drug ourselves back to the van and headed for home. About 20 minutes from my house (drop point one), K-Bug said she was feeling sick. Her declarations of, "I think I am going to throw up on the people in the front seat," got our attention and she was promptly given an empty shopping bag. Again, crisis averted and, thankfully, she didn't throw up!
Parting at my house we all looked tired and smelly. Not sure how one looks smelly, but we accomplished it! Best of all, we had all survived that theme park! It may have gotten in some good licks, but we left with nary a scratch! OK...to be honest, Texas Ranger did have a huge blister on his foot but he has prayed for it in every meal time prayer since so I am sure it will be better soon.
Motherhood. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It ain't for sissies!
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